There’s nothing like a good ol’ slapfight

I’ve mentioned that my friend Apollonia is a little gaga for “Twilight” in general, and Robert Pattinson in particular. She’s completely irrational on the subject, in fact.



I love needling irrational people.



The other day she was mooning over a photo of Pattinson on the cover of a fan magazine. I leaned over to get a better look at it. “So tell me,” I said. “Was he actually born a man?”



Her pupils dilated. “Were you?” she hissed.



Well, I got a good laugh out of that.



Later, we were discussing a salesman we’ve both been dealing with. Apollonia doesn’t think he’s a very good businessman; I think he’s okay, and sort of cute besides. “Next time you talk to him, you should cut him off at the knees,” she growled. “He’s not good at his job.”



“Oh, have mercy on him,” I said. “He’s fine. He’s just a little green.”



“Nothing doing,” she said, her eyes glinting. “This is revenge. You like him, so I hate him. You take out one of mine, I take out two of yours. This is only the beginning.”



“Bring it,” I said loftily. “By the way, Pattinson’s hair looked a little thin and stringy in that photo. Probably the stress is making it fall out.”



Jealousy,” she shrieked. “Pure jealousy. You should have such hair.”



And so on, for hours and hours.



Children, please don’t follow our example. Peace, love, et cetera.



But I have to admit that a good slapfight is fun once in a while.





About Loren Williams
Gay, partnered, living in Providence, working at a local university. Loves: books, movies, TV. Comments and recriminations can be sent to

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