The war between plants and people

I like plants, but I’m wary of them. They only seem peaceful and friendly because they’re slow-moving. They’re full of toxins. Some plants poison the soil so no other plants can grow around them. Big plants smother small plants by hogging the sunlight.


If they hate one another so much, imagine how they must hate us!


Christopher Walken did a sketch on “Saturday Night Live” about a man who was terrified of houseplants. He pointed to a Boston fern. “What if they all ganged up on you, and crammed their leaves down your throat, and strangled you?” he said. “What would your last thought be? Mine would be: ‘I always knew it would be the ferns.’”



Amen to that.


But I think the war between plants and people has entered a horrible new phase.


I have a nice big amaryllis blooming on the bedroom windowsill. I was opening the curtains the other morning when it jumped me. It only grazed me, and it seemed shaken when it hit the floor, but it was okay.


Then,a few minutes later, I noticed a big blotchy yellow-green stain down the front of my shirt.


The thing tried to pollinate me!


They want to infiltrate the human species by interbreeding with us!



Well, forget it. I’m not ready to have children. Or seedlings. Or whatever.



Although the amaryllis is very attractive.


Maybe if it took me to dinner and a movie first.





About Loren Williams
Gay, partnered, living in Providence, working at a local university. Loves: books, movies, TV. Comments and recriminations can be sent to

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