My new BlackBerry; or, I have become one of the people I hate


I was recently determined to be an Essential Staff Member at the office. To make this official, they gave me a magic kiss on the forehead and a BlackBerry Torch.



Oh my dear little lord Jesus!



This thing sucks up all my email – not just my work email, but my home email too – and presents it as a neat little list. It somehow mysteriously hooked itself into my Facebook account (not sure how it learned my password; maybe it got me drunk, or hypnotized me), and now it makes a cheerful little “ka-thunk!” noise whenever I get a Facebook update. It hooks into the Weather Channel, and MSNBC, and Bloomberg, and the radio, and the television. It has GPS and a camera. And I am beginning to get the hang of thumb-typing on a hamster-sized keyboard.



In short, it does everything but count the change in my pocket by radar.



It is my Precious.






A few days ago, I was walking back downtown at lunchtime, and absentmindedly I pulled the BlackBerry from my pocket to check it, and saw an email which needed an answer, and began to answer it, still walking down the sidewalk, not watching where I was going or paying attention to my surroundings.



And I realized with a sudden shock that I had become exactly the kind of person that I have always hated.



But you know what? Haters gonna hate.



My precioussss.




About Loren Williams
Gay, partnered, living in Providence, working at a local university. Loves: books, movies, TV. Comments and recriminations can be sent to

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