Brain medicine


I have taken various kinds of psychoactive medication over the past ten years. (I’m kind of, um, tense. And I have what are charitably called “moods.”)



I like my current medication. I am much calmer now, and much less likely to freak out over stupid things. I’m still irritated by idiots, but I’m not infuriated by them quite so much.



But – and here’s the funny thing – I find that my memory (which used to be, frankly, amazing) is not so amazing anymore. (I read recently that my medication is prescribed for people with obsessive-compulsive disorder, which makes sense; the medication seems to take the urgency away from everyday situations, and makes everything fuzzy around the edges.)



But I am calmer now. And, as I said to someone recently, if this is how normal people feel most of the time, I’m sorry I missed out on it for so long.



I do miss the sharpness and focus I used to have. But I don’t miss the nervousness and tension and depression and obsession over details.



Partly, I know, it’s just the passage of time. I’m in my mid-fifties, and my brain is getting mushy, like a soft-boiled egg. My fuzziness and loss of memory may just as well be the progressive degeneration of my brain tissue.



Who knows?



Anyway, I’m not going to obsess about it.




About Loren Williams
Gay, partnered, living in Providence, working at a local university. Loves: books, movies, TV. Comments and recriminations can be sent to

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