Body wash



“I’m going to CVS,” I announced to Partner, throwing on my boa and mounting my camel.  “Do you need anything?”



He ruminated briefly.  “If you think of it, some body wash,” he said finally.



“What kind?”



“Oh, anything,” he said.  “You know what I like.  Something nice.  Not that cheap stuff.  And something that lathers up really well.  Some of the cheap stuff – you have to use half a bottle to get any lather out of it.”



“AOK,” I chirped.



A few minutes later I was in the BATH & BODY aisle of CVS, in deep meditation.



Okay.  There are well over a dozen brands, ranging from the familiar to the bizarre.   Some are very cheap; others cost five times as much.  One brand – I think Axe – has an “attraction enhancing” version, which contains pheromones.  (It didn’t say they were human pheromones.  I had a sudden vision of Partner galloping down the street being chased by a moose, or maybe a raccoon or a possum, and decided that this was not a good idea.  On the other hand, it might be very funny.)  The most beautiful container was easily the Old Spice Fiji Scent; sadly, the contents smelled like a fruitcake frosted with Tide.  One brand was bright orange, and also powerfully orange-scented.  I almost bought it, but then I thought: how much orange is too much orange?  And how quickly would we both tire of this?



And, incidentally, how was I supposed to tell if any of them lathered up?  I tentatively poured a few drops of one of them at random onto my fingers, and it felt sticky and thick, as you’d expect liquid soap to feel.



Some of the bottles are mock-silver, in interesting futuristic shapes.  I realized later that they’re shaped like remote controls, or Wii devices.  Clever marketing to a male customer base, eh?



So I ended up buying the Right Guard Total Defense Five-in-One Hair and Body Wash.



And do you know why?



Because I got a dollar coupon for buying it.







About Loren Williams
Gay, partnered, living in Providence, working at a local university. Loves: books, movies, TV. Comments and recriminations can be sent to

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