Never, never, never, never, never


I made contact with an old friend recently, and she informed me that she intends to climb Kilimanjaro in 2013. Imagine!



My first thought was: I’d love to do that.



My second thought was: I’ll never do that.



And, for the first time in my life, the word “never” suddenly took on a new and terrible meaning.

I will never use up those stupid greeting cards I bought six years ago.



I will never see Timbuktu (though I certainly had the chance a long time ago), or Nepal, or Kazakhstan.




I will never conduct a real symphony orchestra, or win a Nobel Prize, or even a Pulitzer Prize.





Never, never, never.






That’s from “King Lear,” isn’t it? The lines that Lear speaks, holding the dead Cordelia in his arms:



Why should a dog, a horse, a rat, have life,

And thou no breath at all? Thou’lt come no more,

Never, never, never, never, never.



I will never return to the house I grew up in; it’s been sold and belongs to strangers now, who have almost certainly changed it beyond recognition.



I can never revisit my old elementary school; it  burned down a few years ago.





I will never speak to my late mother or father again, nor to my late sister Darlene from whom I was estranged at the time of her death, nor to my late sister Susan of whom I was very fond.




Never, never, never, never, never.



When we’re young, we are full of hope.



Later, we come to terrible realizations.

About Loren Williams
Gay, partnered, living in Providence, working at a local university. Loves: books, movies, TV. Comments and recriminations can be sent to

3 Responses to Never, never, never, never, never

  1. Well, aren’t we cheerful this Valentine’s Day! April isn’t the cruelest month; February surely must be. When such thoughts weigh us down. I bought a UV light; it sits on my desk and works brightly to lift my spirits in these dark winter days…. Spring will actually come again, with so many of those things we still can do. Keep the faith, friend.

  2. starproms says:

    More chance of visiting old haunts over here methinks. All the houses, bar one, where I have lived are still standing. I can visit them all but in America? No, everything over there is transitory. I’ve never seen so many people on the move all the time.

    • Things change very quickly here. One redeeming feature of Rhode Island: people still remember where the old buildings were. They’ll direct you by way of “the old State House,” or “where the stadium used to be.”

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