White trash cookery

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I’ve always known that I’m white trash. It’s a simple calculation: I’m one-half early Twentieth Century European immigrant, one-half American mongrel.

 

 

And we White Trash folk know what we like to eat.

 

 

And it’s nasty.

 

 

Here are a few menu ideas:

 

 

–         Make a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Or, better yet, store brand. Now add some Velveeta. Or, if you’re really white trash, some Cheese Whiz.

–         You know what’s better than a peanut butter sandwich? A peanut butter sandwich with a slice of bologna on it.

–         Or bananas.

–         Frozen pizza is always better with some ketchup on it.

–         Almost everything is better with crushed potato chips on top.

–         And you know what’s good with everything? Mayonnaise.

 

But the best recipe of all was given on Saturday Night Live in 1991, when Roseanne Barr portrayed a White Trash mother spontaneously inventing the tuna noodle casserole.

 

 

I paraphrase:

 

 

“Go next door and borrow some noodles. And then go to the store and get a can of cream of mushroom soup. Don’t get Campbell’s! Get Food Club! It’s cheaper! And I think there’s a can of tuna under my bed. Cook it all together. And don’t forget to save some for me, you little bastard.”

 

 

Bon appetit.

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For Thanksgiving 2012: Adam Sandler sings “The Thanksgiving Song”

 

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This is an old favorite. I think he sings it differently every time; I don’t remember the part about his brother and the baby oil. Also, the annotator here misspelled “Cheryl Tiegs.”

But who cares?

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

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The 2016 Presidential election

 

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With what joy did I greet the day after the Presidential election! No more shrill television advertisements telling me that this candidate was a criminal and that candidate was a liar!

There was a very cute Facebook meme circulating that day and the next: a picture of a box full of kittens, with the caption: “Okay, Facebook! The election’s over! Time to get out the pictures of cute kittens!”

But it wasn’t more than a few days until we were told that Marco Rubio was visiting Iowa (for a friend’s birthday, naturally).

And Chris Matthews was talking about Hillary Clinton, and how she’s going to spend the next few years preparing for the 2016 election.

And then there was Fox News, which immediately began talking about the 2016 GOP hopefuls. (Stephen Colbert, drinking a cup of chamomile tea, did a wonderful spit-take over this, but I can’t find a clip of it.)

Well, who do you think (apart from Marco Rubio) would make a good GOP candidate?

Hmm. Someone tough-talking. Maybe a Northeasterner, which would (hopefully) screw up the Democratic lock on New England and the Northeast. Someone nationally known.

Who but New Jersey governor Chris Christie?

Yeah, I know. He doesn’t scare me much either. He’s a local flavor: he plays well in the Northeast, but maybe not so much in the South and West. He’s too noisy and angry, which aren’t really presidential traits.

But he would love love LOVE to be President.

Last week, when Hostess went out of business, he was asked about this. He blustered about it endlessly. Imagine, he said, what Saturday Night Live would make of it! Imagine how many laughs they’d get out of the fat Governor of New Jersey making comments about Cupcakes and Ding Dongs!

“You know,” Partner said prophetically, “he went on too long about it. He wants SNL to do something about it.”

 

 

And was Partner right?

 

 

In a big way.

Not only did Christie get mentioned on SNL, he appeared on SNL. (I wish I could show you the clip, but NBC is very proprietary. Follow this link to Hulu, and you’ll get there.)

Christie was very cute: funny and natural (more natural than some of their recent guests and hosts).

If I were a Republican, and the 2016 Presidential election were today, I’d vote for him.

But – geez – a lot of things can happen in four years.

So let’s just wait a bit, and enjoy our Facebook kittens and our cup of chamomile tea, shall we, kids?

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The effect of Tom Brady on middle-aged women and gay men

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The day after the big Patriots-Ravens game, everyone was talking about the Patriots victory, and about Tom Brady. 

 

 

This is an approximation of the conversation between me and my workfriends Cathleen and Apollonia:

 

 

“I didn’t think he was cute before.  I’m sort of coming around to him.”

 

 

“Oh, he’s just fine.”

 

 

“Meh.  Not my type.”

 

 

“Well, but he’s growing into his looks, finally.  He used to look kind of gangling and boyish.  He’s filled out very nicely.”

 

 

“I’ll say.”

 

 

“Do you remember when he hosted Saturday Night Live ten years ago? He was cute.  He did a sketch about sexual harassment, and he just wore his underwear, and none of the women in the office considered it sexual harassment.”

 

 

“What kind of underwear?”  (Okay, that was Apollonia.)

 

 

“Tighty whiteys.”  (This was me. The vision is stamped on my memory.  See the above photo if you’ve never seen the sketch itself; I couldn’t find the clip online.  NBC guards its property jealously.)

 

 

“Oh,” said Cathleen (okay, we’re all out of the closet now).  “I would have pictured something more elegant.  You know.”  She gestured downward.  “Not boxers, but something really nice and form-fitting.”

 

“These were mighty form-fitting,” I said.

 

 

“Oh my God!” Apollonia burst out.  “What are we doing?  What kind of people are we?  Why are we having this conversation?”

 

 

Cathleen and I paused for a moment.  Then we both smiled.  “Because,” I said, “we find the subject fascinating.”

 

 

(And to think I spent all those years not caring about sports!)

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Valentine’s Day blog: Stefon tells you where to go

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We keep recording and watching SNL, even though it’s a sucker’s game sometimes. Why, we ask ourselves while pounding our heads against the floor, do the writers and performers keep repeating unfunny sketches? (I’m looking most especially at you, Kristen Wiig and Fred Armisen.)

 

 

But sometimes a repeating character turns into something special.

 

 

Here’s Bill Hader as Stefon, who knows just where to go on Valentine’s Day.

 

 

See you at Booooooooof.

 

 

L’chaim!

 

 

http://www.hulu.com/embed/gQZU7xRITI34GicNkk34LA

 

 

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