Filthy Hollywood anecdote #1

 

Tallulah

 


Please, if you’re offended by bad language, read no further.

 

The rest of you, nestle near me and listen.

 

So: Tallulah Bankhead. She had, ahem, quite a sexual appetite. But she was a Broadway star before she came to Hollywood, and was supposed to be a fragile Southern blossom. It was quite an event when she condescended to come west and appear in the movies.

 

A big party was planned by the studio, to greet Miss Bankhead.

 

Everyone wanted to be invited.

 

Including the three Marx brothers.

 

(Groucho, by the way, was kind of a culture snob. Harpo was a funny kindly soul. And Chico was a gambler and a ladies’ man.)

 

The studio knew that the Marxes were a little on the unpredictable side. The word was finally delivered to them: You can come if you behave yourselves. Do not do anything to embarrass yourselves, or (more importantly) Miss Bankhead.

 

So: the party. Miss Bankhead, delicate and lovely, comes down the receiving line. At length she greets the three Marxes.

 

Groucho is at his most European and dignified.

 

Harpo smiles impishly.

 

And Chico looks her up and down, leers at her, and says, “You know what? I’d really like to fuck you.”

 

The onlookers gasp.

 

Time stands still.

 

And Miss Bankhead laughs merrily and says: “You dear old-fashioned boy! And so you shall.”

 


 

Sunday blog: A little wit

 

 

 

The entertainment industry has generated lots of entertaining quotes. Today, for my Day of Rest blog, and for your amusement, here are a few of my favorites.

 

 

 

“I finally went to the South Pacific, and it was really wonderful. It was almost as beautiful as the back lot of the Paramount studio.”

  • Dorothy Lamour

 

***

 

“I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.”

  • Walter Matthau, to Barbara Streisand, during the filming of “Hello, Dolly!”

 

***

 

“Honey, kissing you is like kissing the side of a beer bottle.”

  • Laurence Harvey, to Capucine, during the filming of “Walk on the Wild Side”

 

***

 

“I could eat a can of celluloid and puke a better movie.”

  • Kim Novak in “The Mirror Crack’d”

 

***

 

“Darling, do you have change for a five-dollar bill?”

  • Tallulah Bankhead, in need of toilet paper, to the woman in the next toilet stall

 

***

 

“I’m sorry – I didn’t catch your name.”

  • Groucho Marx, upon being introduced to Greta Garbo at a Hollywood party

 

***

 

“Beatrice, I told you before we left the house: that’s not funny!”

  • George S. Kaufman, to his wife, after watching her fall through a wicker chair at another Hollywood party

 

 

 

 

 

 

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